Annnd the drought is over! I have started writing poetry again, and it feels delightful.

Here's my first poem after the rain.

I sat on my legs to see

But Daddy told me not to

I got to see a play

with the grown ups today.

My legs swung from the pew

not tall enough to reach the ground.

Lights go down.

Not a move from me now.

They showed my Jesus

He loved those without love

Fed those without food

Taught those unwilling

Yet, betrayal.

Silver, for this man's life?

Guilty, for the truth?

My Savior, My Jesus, My Friend.

Beaten.

My Savior, My Jesus, My Friend.

Murdered.

I wept. I wept. I wept.

Yet.

My Savior, My Jesus, My Friend

Has risen.

[I'm always reminded of a story my mom told me when I am in a slump. She says that I stayed from Sunday School and stayed to watch the presentation of Christ's crucifixion. But when it came to Jesus being hung on the cross, I got upset. He was my friend. I loved him. How could they be doing this to him? I miss loving like a child.]

I've

f

a

l

l

e

n

in love

with the idea of love.

But right now,

I'm not sure it exists

for me.

[I'm so obsessed with the idea of love. Sometimes I find myself trying to love someone. I always go back and forth. But all along it's never the person I was loving just the idea of having someone to love. I genuinely look forward to that one man that I was meant to find. I'm what you call a hopeless romantic. :) ]

oh, the nerve!

I haven't written a poem in a while, so here are some old ones that I didn't have the guts to post before.

Your arms wrapped around my stomach
I laid my head on your chest
And felt your heart beat with mine.
Where were the butterflies?
Had I forgot the promise for love?
This guilt I feel does not belong
I feel dirty, I think.
But you wrap your arms tighter
And I push my thoughts down deeper
The feeling of your lips pressed on mine
Doesn't live up to expectations
Your beard hurts more with my regret present
And your smell stays in my nostrils
And causes my breath to leave
My heart to hurt
And my self to hate me.


We grew up.
We grew different.
I stayed childlike.
You grew up without me.
I look at the world through stain glassed windows
You stare at your broken family and the whole in your wall
    to match the one in your heart
I cry when it hurts.
You laugh as you show the bruise rising up your torso
   his weapon of choice, a wrench
I dance to the beat of my favorite song
You drown out the sound of your simmering anger
   and sway to the booms of the world crashing down
Our circumstances were different to say the least
But salvation was a step ahead of you
And you stared it blankly in the face
And walked away.




Show me humility
Tell me you love me!


Oh, how you used to hover.
When we were young
You would control me.
I wanted to climb that tree
To hang upside down like a monkey
But I didn't
You told me no.
I wanted to love that boy
But you ran him away
With your hypocritical heart
So he wouldn't break mine.

I lived in a fantasy world
Ruled by you, my queen
You covered your tracks
To shake your finger at someone else
I was always wrong
You were always right.

I followed along with your game
But you were losing
me.



Twisting my head to see the whole reflection
of the less than average beauty
that is standing right in front of me
her hair is too curly, too pouffy, too crazy
those freckles those teeth, not to mention that body.
This mirror is my enemy.
Maybe tomorrow we can be friends.




blech.

Rant

Here's a little ranty rant of mine since I'm feeling sorry for myself:

Why is the feeling never mutual?

Let me explain. I see guys around, and when I see a cute one I remember what they look like. And even not cute people. But then does it ever go the other way around?? Doesnt seem to be that way.

I am invisible to people. Unrecognizable.

Story of my life.

I never let people know that I'm in their class, because it seems to be that they have no idea I'm in their class. And its just plain embarrassing after awhile. And frustrating.

Maybe I'm just looking for an ego boost. I dont know. But I'm tired of being the one that recognizes other people, and they never see me.

And maybe the reason people dont know I'm in their classes is because I usually dont say much in class. But that doesnt explain why they dont recognize me any where else. And even the people in class that dont say much, I recognize. There are people I see everywhere! And I say oo, thats the guy I see on my way to class or something. BUUUT do they ever do that?! No!

:)

And I know what my sisters/friends would say to me. Well, maybe some people do recognize you, but you never find out.

Well, to that I dont know what to say. I just wish I would know every so often. It would make me feel better. :)

Do you feel sorry for me?

Good.

;)

The end.

I am especially fond of you.

Just got done reading The Shack for the second time. No different from the first time. LOVE it. :)

Here are a few quotable quotes from the book. And some of my thoughts after the quotes.

Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long. You can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.

I am significant.

Oh, how different my life would be if I just remembered this.

Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me.

I always have this problem of not knowing if I'm putting my trust in God. This kind of makes sense because I also have a problem with knowing for sure that God loves me. I mean, yes, its what I've been taught from Sunday School and such, but I agreed to that emptily. Actually, thats a lie. I believe that I knew it with all my heart when I was young. Now, its hard to believe that someone would love all of me, all of the time. Man, did I love Jesus when I was young.

Discover that our relationship is not about performance or your having to please me.

Definitely something I need to discover. Rules and guilt is what I keep making this out to be. During high school and ICC I didnt want to go to church or devotionals or straight up learn about my Creator. Part of it was because it became routine and emotionless. But the other part was because the only reason I did any of that was because I felt like I had to. If I didnt go to church I would feel guilty. Having the rules and expectations break away is so freaking relieving. :)

You dont have to have it all figured out. Just be with me.

Such comforting words, because let me the first to say, I do not have it all figured out.

Guilt will never help you find freedom in me.

Dont forget that in the midst of all your pain and heartache, you are surrounded by beauty, the wonder of creation, art, your music and culture, the sounds of laughter and love, of whispered hopes.

I purpose to work life out of death, to bring freedom out of brokenness, and turn darkness into light.

It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way.

I think we forget this. Being around people that don't believe in God has totally opened my eyes. People are turning away from God because of the "Christians" are shoving their god down these people's throats. Its sad.

For you to know it or not has nothing at all to do with whether I am actually here or not. I am always with you; sometimes I want you to be aware in a special way-more intentional.

I wish You wanted me to aware more often.

So, please, help me live in the truth.

This is my prayer.

Religion must use law to empower itself and control the people needed in order to survive. I give you an ability to respond and your response is to be free to love and serve in every situation, and therefore each moment is different and unique and wonderful.

Nothing is ritual.

When I say weird, I say it as a good thing.

I have been realizing things about myself recently. I really kind of hate writing in this or journals really, because I have so many things going on in my head. I cant get it all out, especially said intelligently. Its pretty frustrating!

REALIZATION 1: I'm very picky about the people in my life. (..probably why I dont have a best friend...) (And when I say I dont have a best friend, I'm not being mean to myself. Its the truth. As much as it sucks, thats the way it is. I dont have someone that comes to me with everything going on or hangs out with me because they want to, not because they dont have anyone else. :] Its just life. ) Like I get pretty annoyed with people easily. I dont let them know it, because it has nothing to do with them. Its just because when I spend lots of time with people and dont get time to myself, I just get cranky. ha.

I talked to my aunt and uncle recently and we discussed how awkwardness/lonerness/weirdness runs in our family. :)

Its the way we are. We need time to ourselves in order hang out with our peeps. ;) And we like being with people, we just need to have our me time. We need our energy to be ourselves when are with people. --It takes lots of energy to be weird!--

speaking of weird.

REALIZATION 2: I am weird. I realize this. (clearly...) I wish I could be weird all the time, but I guess I'm not confident enough to be. But when I'm around people that correspond to my weirdness, I AM WEIRD! And I could not be more happy! I love when I'm around the people that can love me weirdness and all (aka=family)! I am content in all my weirdness!

I wish I had more people that I could be myself, fully, around.

I JUST FREAKIN LOVE MY FAMILY!

They think I'm funny and I love that they get my sense of humor!

which brings us to...

REALIZATION 3: My family thinks I'm weird. Like funny weird. Like I tell stories or stuff that I think is hilarious, and they laugh. I love making people laugh. I so feed off of it, and that makes me happy. I never really think of myself as funny, but its like expected for me to be weird. And I'm not gonna lie, I love that. They think I'm funny, they really do! :)

Or maybe they just think I'm goofy and awkward. But. They still think thats funny. I am unique. and people like me.

Sorry, that I'm just now realizing that part, but for serious. Even if the only people that I will be best friends with are my family, specifically my sisters, I'm fine with that. They are freaking awesome. Each of my sisters are so different, and I love them each for different reasons, and I love them! I freaking love them. haha.

Can you tell I'm happy today? Cause I am. FREAKING FANTASTICALLY HAPPY.

:)

P.S. on Realization 3: I was showing mom videos of this guy that I am obsessed with (see new obsession 1), and she said see you could do that! And let me be clear, he makes money off of being weird. :)

REALIZATION 4: I kind of already knew this, but it is fully realized now...but I really need my husband to be some kind of creative-SLASH!-artistic and spontaneous. So I dont get bored or something. Art is something that I am interested in. Really any medium of art too. But I think that you have to be an interesting person in order to be an artist, so yeah. Theres my reasoning behind that. Anyways.

REALIZATION 5: College is the hardest part of keeping your faith, right? Well, thank goodness for ICC. --Never thought I would say/write that.-- I was having the hardest time at ICC. Nothing was really happening, I was just fading. And eventually I was just stuck. Now, that I'm in "real" college, my faith is reappearing. I needed a change. And hooray! :)

NEW OBSESSION 1: I had to change it up because this is not a realization, but a new obsession. I dont know if it has something to do with my personality or me being a loner or what, but I always have to have something that I am obsessed about. So, Miranda sent me this message with this guy doing a little video. I thought it was pretty hilarious, so I was like well, maybe this guy has more videos...well he DOES! Seriously, tons. And guess what I did for like the rest of the week. Sat in my room watching these videos spanned over three years of his life, into like three days of my life.

Since I have watched that one stupid video I have been thinking of nothing else. (Well, maybe like food and sleep and some homework...but mostly that guy). (hmm, sounds creepy..)

Anyway.

I am obsessed. I have probably watched all the videos I can, but then I found out that he has a website. So, there goes next week.

Oh, yeah, and he may be a bit attractive as well. :\

Annnnd, he's weird. So that is what has inspired all this weirdness talk. And it has put me in really good moods. ha. good moods=me being weird.

SIDENOTE: I feel like I'm missing something in my life. I need something and I cant put my finger on it. Its like trying to remember a dream, and you can remember parts of it, but its a little fuzzy, so it doesnt even make sense.

So. That was long. And I'm pretty sure.....weird. :)

I feel dirty.

Sometimes, I really just feel alone. Which is a problem I have been having in my spiritual life. I feel alone. Where are you at, God? I thought you said I wouldnt be alone. I guess feeling is the problem. Feeling is what I do. Its what I was always good at. So, my feelings are false? Or only sometimes? So, when?
I sooo need someone to talk to. I'm at a point in my life where I am losing those who were there for me to talk to. But I'm not needed for them to talk to, so you know...
Not to sound selfish. I just wish someone needed me, like I need them.
The other day I was thinking how I have grown up. That I'm so proud of myself. What a big girl I am! But I remember when I used to think that growing up was never what the world built it up to be. I wanted to keep my innocence. I need to have my childish faith and pride. But now, now I have my adult faith and pride. I have the societies views on things, but still some of innocence. I'm stuck in the middle. And hear thats a bad thing.
[[Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight. ]]

Here is something I wrote the other night as a prayer of some sorts. Writing stuff down helps for some reason.

Dear old friend,
That seems to be how I have to start my letters now-a-days. I understand my life and self are changing, but do I have to lose everyone I love along the way? Its all my fault I suppose.
I dont talk to you as much as I should. I dont trust. But I'm not sure that I know how to. I can say I trust you, but that is definately not the same as actually trusting you. I'm not sure what trust feels like. I think I trust you, but am I really trusting you? You're the only one who really knows. How am I supposed to know if you're not here?
You say you don't leave, never am I alone. But why does it sure feel like it all the time? Are you really there? Cause sometimes I have my doubts. Things would be a lot easier if I didn't believe you existed. I know you said it wouldnt be easy, but it would suck if I lived my life carefully and found I could have lived it without regret because the rule-maker doesnt exist.
Maybe I'm looking at you the completely wrong way. Maybe I dont know you at all. That makes me frustrated. I've been here 20 years and I dont know the god I'm supposedly believing in. Maybe I did know you. When I was younger and smarter. Yeah, I think I did. But you are a chore to me now. A routine to go through. Thats no relationship at all. And so I say my prayers at night (if I'm lucky), feel guilty about not going to church, and believe in a god because thats what I do, and what I've been doing.
I'm embarrassed its taken me so long to realize it. I dont like that there's different levels of relationships or walks with you. Maybe thats just something we have made up to feel superior to one another. But I still want to have the best one, the close one that everyone wants and needs. I dont want to be the slow one that has finally realized something significant. So I end up doing this for the wrong reasons. I go back to what I know: being a good Christian, charity, loving others, so I can seem like I'm okay. But I'm not okay.

love to hate.

I'm waiting for my sister and brother to come home, so I have time to waste and time to think. And of myself, of course. for each "hate" I will respond with a "love". I will try to be as honest as possible. It will be a good way for the, what, one person that reads this blog to get to know me. :) and for me to get to know myself. Annnd to make time go by faster.

1. I hate when I say something, and the only person in the room does not respond because they "didnt know I was talking to them"
I love when someone says they miss me. Especially when I miss that person too. I tend to think the opposite until someone tells me.

2. I hate when girls take those "Myspace pictures" of themselves, but I kind of, maybe do a little of the same thing....but mine are WAY better. ;) I'm specifically talking about the pictures that the girl is trying to be sexy. ughhh. Now, that is something I have never tried to do. I'm pretty sure I would look redonkulous.
I love when something random and funny happens and I start laughing and I cant breathe or stop laughing. Pure bliss. :)

3. I hate when I put my clothes in the washer and then forget to start the washer. I definately just did that.
I love my family. I love that we WANT to hang out, and be with each other. I love that when we do, we all get along and love each other. :)

4. I hate those stupid shirts with stupid sayings on them. Sayings that make the person wearing the shirt look like a big, fat slut magee.
I love when my dad gets excited about food. Its so fun to see. He becomes a kid again. I think everyone should have something they are entirely passionate about.

5. I hate when people dont like themselves, which makes me such a hipocrite, but I really do. But these people I'm talking about wont look at pictures of themselves, or they critisize everything about themselves...its crazy! Where is the love?! [cue: Where Is The Love getting played in my head]
I love that I'm learning to love myself. I dont have perfect days, but I'm getting so much better.

6. I hate when I study hard for a test, and I find out someone that didnt study did better than me. Not fair at all. Course, that doesnt really happen to me anymore because I dont study all that long, and I dont have any friends in my classes in college that I compare grades to. Problem solved. :)
I love Family Feud. I'm pretty awesome at it.

7. I hate that I'm easily jealous. :/
I love that I can be myself, and I'm okay with that. I dont need to be someone else. I'm coming to find that that isnt so easy for some people.

8. I hate that when I'm in a bad mood, its such a big deal and everyone has to say something, but when someone else is in a bad mood, whoa better leave them alone! Plus it always makes a mood worse when someone says something like "man, youre in a bad mood today..." yes. yes I am. and that comment made my mood so much better...
I love making lists and crossing things off my list. I procrastinate before I get them done, but I still get them done. :)

9. I hate when I eat out or just at home when there is still food left on my plate. I cant just let it go to waste! Must. Eat. I blame dad for always making us clean off our plates when we were younger. I never learned to take smaller portions, just to eat fast so I can finish it.
I love dressing up. I used to hate it, all I wore were t-shirts. But now I have days where I really want to wear a skirt or dress and be pretty.

10. I hate waiting. I'm terribly impatient.
I love sleeping. In order to get to sleep, I pretty much day dream. I forget everything I'm stressing over, and make up my perfect world. I could do it all day, but I'm pretty sure I'd go insane. If I'm not already. :)

11. I hate when I'm in such a good mood, and no one around me is happy. It's such a buzz kill. There is no one to be hyper with...I usually just end up annoying whoever I'm with. ha.
I love when people fart on accident. Its hilarious. I'm so grooooss, I know. Farting is just funny to me...

12. I hate when I write a blog and no one comments on it. :) I'm so vain, I know. I'm just being honest.
I love to love. Loving is so much fun.


Ummmm, the end.