broken again.

i suppose im not very good at expressing my emotions through words, except for poetry. it has always been the easiest thing for me to say what im feeling or the way i hurt because of those around me. im very empathetic. i put myself in others places and feel pain the way they feel pain and celebrate in joy because they are happy.
at the beginning of the year, i found out my sister was pregnant. it was even better news because it meant that she wouldnt have to be deployed to iraq later that year. however, her husband was still called to go. it was bittersweet knowing she could stay, but he couldnt. well, he's been gone for a couple of months and they talked as much as they could. he came back for his two week leave just a couple of weeks ago. during his second week home, his first daughter was born. he was immediately in love with her. i couldnt help but smile when i saw them all together. these are the people that deserve to be happy. but, this last tuesday we were all brought back to reality when he had to leave for iraq again. it was heartbreaking to see them hug each other goodbye and his last kiss for his daughter.
so i wrote this poem from my sister's perspective.


dont leave me again.
my heart cant take it.
dont decieve me again,
that i can make it.
dont say goodbye,
just see you soon.
watch over my heart,
ive left it with you.

stop walking away,
my knees are shaking.
stop talking your way,
through excuses im making.
stop smiling at me,
i can see right through.
watch over my heart,
ive left it with you.

ill wish time to move faster.
and our memories to slow down.
ill live this life,
even without you around.
remember i love you.
be careful, see you soon.
look over my heart,
ive left it with you.

sometimes giving up is the best to do.

give me patience, Lord.
give me, give me peace.
cause my nerves are bending, breaking
and im dropping to my knees.
im giving up quickly, Lord
giving, giving up.
i cant keep going on like this
wont you fill my cup?
everything seems so worthless, Lord.
it keeps coming back again.
ill clean up the mess i made,
but the broken i cannot mend.
give me patience, Lord.
give me, give me peace.
im trying my best to keep up,
but everyone is so hard to please
im giving up forever, Lord.
giving, giving up.
even though my life is full
theres nothing in my cup.


i get so caught up in what homework needs to be done in school, complaining about how much my job sucks, never having enough time to relax that i forget who is really in control. if i would only let Him. its scary not knowing what the future holds. our society puts so much importance on being in control, being certain of everything. its easy to fall into that mindset. sometimes its just the best to give up. stop. breathe. let it go.

introductions to papers were always my least favorite.

soo. the first blog...

i'll start off by talking about the radio 'station'. this is something that only in my wildest dreams would i imagine happening. right now i am going to illinois central college majoring in mass communication. my dream job is to be a radio deejay on an alternative christian radio station, eventually owning my own radio station. i honestly did not expect to even come close to my dream, but God had other plans in mind.

mike, a guy i met in one of my classes at icc, came up to me this semester at school and asked if i would be interested in being a dj for an internet radio that he had been researching and wanted to get started. "uh. of course!" so the Lord, brought a group of people together and we are starting this. its really happening. mike is the talker. :) he will be doing a "talk show". there are four of us deejays so far. and just. i dont know! im psyched. hopefully this will all come together and be glorified.



now for something a bit more different.

what is up with churches these days? i used to go to church every sunday, same old thing. i would get up dreading to go and drag myself to the pew we sat at every sunday. but i eventually woke up. i wasnt getting anywhere. heres something i actually wrote while i was in church disgusted with how i had gotten to where i was then. some days were better than this one for sure, i just tend to build and build until i let it all go at once. :)

Dead Men Walking

stare blankly forward

and keep on walking

with your fake smile

plastered on your zombie face

read the words

from memorization

not from your heart

get upset over change

that gets in the way

of going through the motions

your fire is dimming

to a crackle

not too far from a smoke

you think of yourself

as righteous

and judge someone that different

scowl at the audacious

and frown upon the open-minded young

you oppress me.

you show me what not to be.

im letting go of you.

and doing whats best for me.