I feel dirty.

Sometimes, I really just feel alone. Which is a problem I have been having in my spiritual life. I feel alone. Where are you at, God? I thought you said I wouldnt be alone. I guess feeling is the problem. Feeling is what I do. Its what I was always good at. So, my feelings are false? Or only sometimes? So, when?
I sooo need someone to talk to. I'm at a point in my life where I am losing those who were there for me to talk to. But I'm not needed for them to talk to, so you know...
Not to sound selfish. I just wish someone needed me, like I need them.
The other day I was thinking how I have grown up. That I'm so proud of myself. What a big girl I am! But I remember when I used to think that growing up was never what the world built it up to be. I wanted to keep my innocence. I need to have my childish faith and pride. But now, now I have my adult faith and pride. I have the societies views on things, but still some of innocence. I'm stuck in the middle. And hear thats a bad thing.
[[Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight. ]]

Here is something I wrote the other night as a prayer of some sorts. Writing stuff down helps for some reason.

Dear old friend,
That seems to be how I have to start my letters now-a-days. I understand my life and self are changing, but do I have to lose everyone I love along the way? Its all my fault I suppose.
I dont talk to you as much as I should. I dont trust. But I'm not sure that I know how to. I can say I trust you, but that is definately not the same as actually trusting you. I'm not sure what trust feels like. I think I trust you, but am I really trusting you? You're the only one who really knows. How am I supposed to know if you're not here?
You say you don't leave, never am I alone. But why does it sure feel like it all the time? Are you really there? Cause sometimes I have my doubts. Things would be a lot easier if I didn't believe you existed. I know you said it wouldnt be easy, but it would suck if I lived my life carefully and found I could have lived it without regret because the rule-maker doesnt exist.
Maybe I'm looking at you the completely wrong way. Maybe I dont know you at all. That makes me frustrated. I've been here 20 years and I dont know the god I'm supposedly believing in. Maybe I did know you. When I was younger and smarter. Yeah, I think I did. But you are a chore to me now. A routine to go through. Thats no relationship at all. And so I say my prayers at night (if I'm lucky), feel guilty about not going to church, and believe in a god because thats what I do, and what I've been doing.
I'm embarrassed its taken me so long to realize it. I dont like that there's different levels of relationships or walks with you. Maybe thats just something we have made up to feel superior to one another. But I still want to have the best one, the close one that everyone wants and needs. I dont want to be the slow one that has finally realized something significant. So I end up doing this for the wrong reasons. I go back to what I know: being a good Christian, charity, loving others, so I can seem like I'm okay. But I'm not okay.

love to hate.

I'm waiting for my sister and brother to come home, so I have time to waste and time to think. And of myself, of course. for each "hate" I will respond with a "love". I will try to be as honest as possible. It will be a good way for the, what, one person that reads this blog to get to know me. :) and for me to get to know myself. Annnd to make time go by faster.

1. I hate when I say something, and the only person in the room does not respond because they "didnt know I was talking to them"
I love when someone says they miss me. Especially when I miss that person too. I tend to think the opposite until someone tells me.

2. I hate when girls take those "Myspace pictures" of themselves, but I kind of, maybe do a little of the same thing....but mine are WAY better. ;) I'm specifically talking about the pictures that the girl is trying to be sexy. ughhh. Now, that is something I have never tried to do. I'm pretty sure I would look redonkulous.
I love when something random and funny happens and I start laughing and I cant breathe or stop laughing. Pure bliss. :)

3. I hate when I put my clothes in the washer and then forget to start the washer. I definately just did that.
I love my family. I love that we WANT to hang out, and be with each other. I love that when we do, we all get along and love each other. :)

4. I hate those stupid shirts with stupid sayings on them. Sayings that make the person wearing the shirt look like a big, fat slut magee.
I love when my dad gets excited about food. Its so fun to see. He becomes a kid again. I think everyone should have something they are entirely passionate about.

5. I hate when people dont like themselves, which makes me such a hipocrite, but I really do. But these people I'm talking about wont look at pictures of themselves, or they critisize everything about themselves...its crazy! Where is the love?! [cue: Where Is The Love getting played in my head]
I love that I'm learning to love myself. I dont have perfect days, but I'm getting so much better.

6. I hate when I study hard for a test, and I find out someone that didnt study did better than me. Not fair at all. Course, that doesnt really happen to me anymore because I dont study all that long, and I dont have any friends in my classes in college that I compare grades to. Problem solved. :)
I love Family Feud. I'm pretty awesome at it.

7. I hate that I'm easily jealous. :/
I love that I can be myself, and I'm okay with that. I dont need to be someone else. I'm coming to find that that isnt so easy for some people.

8. I hate that when I'm in a bad mood, its such a big deal and everyone has to say something, but when someone else is in a bad mood, whoa better leave them alone! Plus it always makes a mood worse when someone says something like "man, youre in a bad mood today..." yes. yes I am. and that comment made my mood so much better...
I love making lists and crossing things off my list. I procrastinate before I get them done, but I still get them done. :)

9. I hate when I eat out or just at home when there is still food left on my plate. I cant just let it go to waste! Must. Eat. I blame dad for always making us clean off our plates when we were younger. I never learned to take smaller portions, just to eat fast so I can finish it.
I love dressing up. I used to hate it, all I wore were t-shirts. But now I have days where I really want to wear a skirt or dress and be pretty.

10. I hate waiting. I'm terribly impatient.
I love sleeping. In order to get to sleep, I pretty much day dream. I forget everything I'm stressing over, and make up my perfect world. I could do it all day, but I'm pretty sure I'd go insane. If I'm not already. :)

11. I hate when I'm in such a good mood, and no one around me is happy. It's such a buzz kill. There is no one to be hyper with...I usually just end up annoying whoever I'm with. ha.
I love when people fart on accident. Its hilarious. I'm so grooooss, I know. Farting is just funny to me...

12. I hate when I write a blog and no one comments on it. :) I'm so vain, I know. I'm just being honest.
I love to love. Loving is so much fun.


Ummmm, the end.