I feel dirty.

Sometimes, I really just feel alone. Which is a problem I have been having in my spiritual life. I feel alone. Where are you at, God? I thought you said I wouldnt be alone. I guess feeling is the problem. Feeling is what I do. Its what I was always good at. So, my feelings are false? Or only sometimes? So, when?
I sooo need someone to talk to. I'm at a point in my life where I am losing those who were there for me to talk to. But I'm not needed for them to talk to, so you know...
Not to sound selfish. I just wish someone needed me, like I need them.
The other day I was thinking how I have grown up. That I'm so proud of myself. What a big girl I am! But I remember when I used to think that growing up was never what the world built it up to be. I wanted to keep my innocence. I need to have my childish faith and pride. But now, now I have my adult faith and pride. I have the societies views on things, but still some of innocence. I'm stuck in the middle. And hear thats a bad thing.
[[Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight. ]]

Here is something I wrote the other night as a prayer of some sorts. Writing stuff down helps for some reason.

Dear old friend,
That seems to be how I have to start my letters now-a-days. I understand my life and self are changing, but do I have to lose everyone I love along the way? Its all my fault I suppose.
I dont talk to you as much as I should. I dont trust. But I'm not sure that I know how to. I can say I trust you, but that is definately not the same as actually trusting you. I'm not sure what trust feels like. I think I trust you, but am I really trusting you? You're the only one who really knows. How am I supposed to know if you're not here?
You say you don't leave, never am I alone. But why does it sure feel like it all the time? Are you really there? Cause sometimes I have my doubts. Things would be a lot easier if I didn't believe you existed. I know you said it wouldnt be easy, but it would suck if I lived my life carefully and found I could have lived it without regret because the rule-maker doesnt exist.
Maybe I'm looking at you the completely wrong way. Maybe I dont know you at all. That makes me frustrated. I've been here 20 years and I dont know the god I'm supposedly believing in. Maybe I did know you. When I was younger and smarter. Yeah, I think I did. But you are a chore to me now. A routine to go through. Thats no relationship at all. And so I say my prayers at night (if I'm lucky), feel guilty about not going to church, and believe in a god because thats what I do, and what I've been doing.
I'm embarrassed its taken me so long to realize it. I dont like that there's different levels of relationships or walks with you. Maybe thats just something we have made up to feel superior to one another. But I still want to have the best one, the close one that everyone wants and needs. I dont want to be the slow one that has finally realized something significant. So I end up doing this for the wrong reasons. I go back to what I know: being a good Christian, charity, loving others, so I can seem like I'm okay. But I'm not okay.